Ish-Ba-Bibble-Mah-Gulta-Fish [entries|friends|calendar] Kimmy :D [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[11 Mar 2009|02:49am] dear diary,     today i received my first delivered dozen roses..................................................... ! love, kimmy. Do something Right.

[02 Mar 2009|02:16pm] finally growing up! <3 <3 <3 <3 OH BTW I LOVE SARAH WALKER. 1 Wrong Move|Do something Right.

[22 Feb 2009|12:05pm] i'm fucking smiling. :) im done planning ahead. Im appreciating today in its fullest. and then tommorrow i'll worry about, tommorrow.<3 you worry about you. im done worrying about choo. now lets see how things go... <3 Do something Right.

to whom this may concern... [17 Feb 2009|10:36pm] Dear Gym,           I hate your stinking guts. You're scum between my toes. Love, Kimmy. Do something Right.

[27 Jan 2009|06:32pm] I've come to realize that I plan ahead and never appreciate the present. I'm so eager to grow up, that I'll never remember what it was like to be a teenager. In highschool I was so focused on getting grades to go to a good college, now that I'm here I'm focusing on a Master's degree 3 years ahead, and I can't wait till its all over and I can relax. I'll never be happy until I retire, theres always something bigger and better to strive for. I'm so focused on being a responsible adult that I choose to say no, but I know one day I am going to have the urge to say yes, but I'll be at the age where I have to be responsible and say no. oy. let's smoke a bowl. hahahhaha jk. college stinks. can't wait for the 12th. <3 Do something Right.

[17 Jan 2009|08:23pm] i hate being alone. its times like these where i wish i had class all weekend. 2 Wrong Moves|Do something Right.

I keep a journal, but the keyboard keeps up with my thoughts. [03 Jan 2009|09:15pm] I'm not sure who reads any of my entries anymore but i feel better knowing that there is only a mere chance that someone will stumble across this.                      i guess i just need to sit and think i guess. Its nice to just sit, lately. Think and plan or think and remember. Yesterday I was camping and kinda just sitting infront of the fire alone, my boyfriend was playing beer pong with the new neighbors. I thought about things I guess in reverse order, only because I'm kind of dyslexic in a way and not only do I shuffle over each of my words when I speak, my thoughts turn into a pile of playing cards and its just the luck of the draw, really. I started to think about my future. My job, what I would be, what age I would start a family. But then again with recent news, will I have a family? I found out I have PCOS, and I can't have a baby without consulting a doctor about medicine or a way to conceive. I won't ever have that moment, which I've thought I had plenty of scares before, when I think I may be pregnant. I mean, I live for surprises. In a way, with me being eighteen this must be a teenagers dream to not be able to get prego, but I think about my future in high doses, much more than your school counselor prescribes. At this point while I'm thinking about kids and a family, my stomach hurts really bad. The whole reason why I recently found out about me having PCOS is because I hadn't had a monthly visitor in  three months. (Yet again, another teenager's dream) but yet again, not mine. My stomach hurts so much that I have to lay down, so I tell Jared that I'm going to bed, at this point I don't even think he cared, he may have been stoned or drank a little too much to bother. So I escorted myself to the tent and laid down on an air mattress that could have used a little more air.                             So, as I sunk into the air mattress and got into the most comfortable position I forgot about my stomach pains and my future and began to think  about the past. Past. That word scares me lately. The past, as in, when I had two sisters. As in, when my family was normal, when seeing a movie was easy, when having a conversation was simple, uncensored. You never had to think twice what you said, what show you pick on tv, what song you play because it didn't matter what sad song played, it didn't trigger any emotion. But that is the past. The present is here, and the only gift you recieve is to hope. Hope that a song won't come on the radio, hope that the movie won't have babies, sisters, death, animals, her name, anything sad. Hope that you won't get another condolence card in the mail, checking in phone call, or insurance problem. I thought about my sister, like I do every single minute of the day. Everything reminds me of her and I can't stop thinking about her. Seeing a simple movie like Benjamin Button was a heartache, and seeing Marley and Me was a nightmare.                            I couldn't sleep because I was in a tent that was about sixteen feet away from what it seemed to be a college frat party. My sister liked to drink. They played beer pong and smoked weed. She was a fan. A bird just flew by, she would have to me what kind it was, how to take care of it, and what not to feed it. Regina Spektor came on the radio and they turned it up, Kristie loved this song. I turned over and sank more into the somewhat broken air mattress, and I remembered when Kristie threw me on her bed and I broke it, and she fixed it when boxes and bricks. I itch and it sends a million memories to my brain, I sneeze and I remember is all the times she did. I may not show it on the outside but when  I talk to you, you are second in line. My sister is the first thought that comes to my mind, even if she some how gets behind she will cut you in line. Just like we did a couple times when we went to Busch Gardens. She's gone. Then I fell asleep.                     I woke up this morning to a barely breathing air mattress. My boyfriend was sleeping very heavily in a deep, loud, slumber. I don't know if it was because of him that I was up or the trees sprinkling rain drops through the screen in the tent, or maybe the extreme stomach pains that I was feeling. All I knew was that I couldn't go back to sleep so I might as well get the day started. So I got up and noticed my boyfriend had packed the camping site up some time last night. So I had nothing to do, nothing to keep me busy and I hate that because I hate to sit and think because I did enough of that last night. I started to sort through the car because even though he put things away in the car, he's jared and it was a mess. Even I couldn't sort through the mess so I kinda sat in a vacant spot in the trunk. I looked at all the campsites and there were families eating breakfast together. I thought if I would ever feel that okay again, but I don't think I ever will. I started to drift away before I caught myself, I didn't want to drown in my own pity for another minute, I told myself I'd keep my head up today and stay busy. I went to go wake up Jared and of course he made a struggle to get up. Once he did, instead of helping me empty the tent he visited the neighbors until he realized I wanted him to help me with the tent.                We checked out, and went home. I dropped him off, I took a shower, I laid in bed. I had forgotten that this morning mother nature granted me with a very belated gift. So then I thought about that, then my future, and then my sister, and then I fell asleep.               I woke up to my mom asking if I wanted to go to the movies. We never go to the movies, so I said yes. My dad and I got into a fight about UCF like usual and then we all went to the chinese buffet, the one that Kristie usually took me to and we'd sneak out before our bill, then we all went to Marley and Me, which turned out to be a movie you shouldn't see under the circumstances that my family is in. After tears and the usual awkward silence that happens after something happens that reminds us of our circumstances, I am here, in the newly remodeled kitchen that Kristie never got to see. Sitting in the barstools she will never sit in, and looking down to my room in the hallway where she use to live. I miss her. 3 Wrong Moves|Do something Right.

[11 Oct 2008|07:35pm] Last week i was rushed out of my dorm room at 5am to find out my sister had been in a car accident. Shes not here anymore. dec. 14 1983 - sept. 28 2008. i withdrew from ucf to take care of my mom. i miss my sister. i think about her everyday. and when it is times like these you learn to appreciate a lot. i never got to tell her how proud i was of her, how amazing she was, how funny and kind. her services were last week. I saw her in her casket, she didn't look like herself. I couldn't cry. Everyone cried, but i had to hold what was left of my family together. I had to be the strong one in the family, because Kristie was the strong one. I kissed her hand, and prayed. I told her i'd be strong for us. I told her i was proud of what she had accomplished. I told her she was beautiful and I told her that i love her, and i won't ever stop. It really hurts to think about how she never got to live out her dreams, she never got married, she never reached the age of 25. She had a wonderful life for as short as it was, but she died too young.  The priest told us, it is like picking flowers, God is just picking flowers, the best ones are the young and beautiful ones... i love you kristie, i miss you i miss you i miss you. i wish you were still here.     Do something Right.

[23 Sep 2008|11:15am] Lunch with mrs. miller! on saturday! dinner parrrrrrrtaaaay. saturday. :D Do something Right.

[22 Sep 2008|06:05pm] oh man, i just wish some people would fall off the face of the earth. with that said... im visiting cape coral on thursday. whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat. Do something Right.

[06 Sep 2008|01:34am] okay so if anyone is interested in what i feel like i want to do in my life listen up. i am going to major in psychology, become a clinical psychologist, then make alot of money, then open up a bakery called kimmycakes.... :)   then die happy. oh and maybe throw a beautiful wonderful funny husband in there, some intelligent loving kids and a cute bulldog in the mix somewhere before i die happy... 1 Wrong Move|Do something Right.

[14 Aug 2008|09:31pm] today marks the beginning of the middle. sarah and daniel left today. i wish them the best. when i move back up to orlando.... im not coming home. i hate cape coral right now. i have no place to go anymore. my best friend is hundreds of miles away. and im scared. idk what to do about jared anymore... i love him...i know i do. but at times i dont know why. ..... errrrrrhhmmmmuuhhh. 1 Wrong Move|Do something Right.

[18 Jul 2008|04:28pm] hey i have not wrote in here in a while. sooo...im at ucf. n its okay...hopefully it gets better? i miss everyone <3 5 Wrong Moves|Do something Right.

[02 May 2008|05:28pm] i hate how the rest of my life i am going to have the gym included in everyday. and no matter what i do, how hard i work, how much i sweat i still make no progress. but of course if i dont go, i gain like 5 lbs. ugh i hate this, lifes unfair sometimes. 1 Wrong Move|Do something Right.

belly bottom jeans [09 Apr 2008|07:11pm] im getting my belly button pierced. once i reach my first goal weight which is...1_0lbs. lol i put a blank in, cuz no one needs to know. Do something Right.

[07 Apr 2008|01:37pm] some people are such a waste. 1 Wrong Move|Do something Right.

[30 Mar 2008|10:43pm] i am at some major confusion. i just wanna get outta here. i wanna start over. everything changed. Do something Right.

[02 Mar 2008|01:21pm] i just gained a great guy. and im so happy i dont have to worry bout him hanging out with inconsiderate careless bitches. peace&love =) Do something Right.

[26 Feb 2008|11:26pm] i had a great night. =) Do something Right.

[21 Feb 2008|04:31pm] GOD DAMN I'M CHARMING. Do something Right.

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